Newtown, Old Story, and an Ungrateful Heart

I can’t stand the news right now.  All of the talk about the Newtown Massacre has got me pissed at humanity.  I mean, right down to the corest of cores of humanity.  Here’s what I hate:

I hate that the media jumps on events like these, giggling like school children because their ratings go up.

I hate that Americans devour everything that the media says, like an obese child at the dinner table- not even pausing to think about what we are cramming into our mouths.

I hate that minutes after a tragedy like this, “experts” are called in to the scene to offer their objective opinions on what caused this and who is at fault and to tell us how we should feel about it.

I hate that every time there’s a massacre like this the issue of gun control comes up and people on both sides of the issue say incredibly mean and insensitive things about the other without working together to try to prevent more killings.

I hate that we kill our own fellow humans.

I hate that we are surprised that we kill our own fellow humans because it happens every day.

I hate that it happens every day.

I hate that we gobble up violent video games and violent movies and pretend that it isn’t affecting the way we see people.  It is.  And it’s horrific.

I hate that inside me, right now, I’m mad at that stupid kid for acting out the way he did while at the same time I am secretly contemplating getting a gun to protect myself which will only further the vicious circle of violence.

I hate that although I have never physically killed a living soul, I am still a part of the problem.  I am still killing children every day.

Because I am an American.

And I have been brainwashed by my own fear and lust for entertainment.

God help us.

Halloween Blasphemies

This October 31st I decided to browse Wikipedia and see if anything interesting came up in regards to keeping the tradition of Halloween.  A few interesting things:

1.  The idea of honoring deceased saints (those who are "hallowed") on the 1st of November was around for quite awhile longer than Halloween.  Some people think it sprang up based on pagan rituals, but it makes sense to me that Christian children would want to try to scare each other the night before you were going to recognize holy dead people.
2.  Jack o' Lanterns were originally just candles put inside skulls, left out at graveyards.  Morbid, huh?  Some think that it was a representation of souls burning in hell.
3.  People originally used to wear masks on Halloween to hide their identity from spirits who were roaming the earth looking for vengeance on those who wronged them while they were alive!  It was the spirit's last chance before they were sucked back to hell or wherever.  Gruesome...

But on a serious note.

Some close friends of mine have been experiencing deaths in their families.  I see them wrestle with feelings of pain, anger, resentment, joy, sorrow... it's overwhelming for them.  My heart goes out to them in their pain.  When I lost my grandmother, my grandpa turned into such a weeping mess that I have always looked at life differently ever since.

What happens to us after we die?  Sure, I can just regurgitate what I've heard others in my Faith recite dutifully from others that have regurgitated what others have recited before them.  But let's get real, Christians.  We don't know.  We make shit up that sounds good and doesn't seem to contradict with Scripture too much.  But we've got weird stuff to go off of: beasts with multiple heads and eyes everywhere and seventy times seven hundreds more than you thought were necessary to carry a point across... (I'm poking fun at Revelation, btw, which is most likely not a smart thing to do, but I have already established that I'm a blasphemer)

People say that I'm a Universalist because I, like Rob Bell, believe that LOVE wins, and the whole notion of God saying, "Nope, you had your chance, and you blew it! Now suffer forever" doesn't compute.  I believe we have a choice- God can't force us to love him- but there will be a day when we will see God's goodness in it's full and complete nature and we will be unable to resist His love. People say that that's just wishful thinking.  I tend to think these people are the true wishful thinkers.  They like the idea of "bad people" being kicked out of the "good people's" 700 club so that they can enjoy all the Holy Martinis by themselves, uninterrupted by freaks and whatnot.  They focus on symbolic things that Jesus said in order to manipulate others into reforming or just puffing up their own egos.  That's not what Christ was about.

Really the only people Christ questioned in regards to their immortal soul were the overly religious folk.  The people that Christ said would be in heaven were those who were often pitted as last or least likely or (hell!) diseased and decrepit- cast out by society.

Well, this wasn't supposed to get all preachy, but this is stream of consciousness here.

The point is that we don't know and there's nothing to be gained by taking the position that we do.  We are finite beings with this insatiable urge for the infinite.  We will be met by God.  And he will see us, just as we are.  That can be pretty horrifying and comforting at the same time.

Off the Deep End

So, I'm starting to think I need some intervention.  You see, I've started to become obsessed with coffee.  I've always loved coffee, yes, and I've been able to prepare it well...

Got my "master's degree" with the Coveted Black Apron from Starbucks.

Was deemed "Coffee Specialist" and stand-in Assistant Manager with Peet's Coffee and Tea.

And now I am the "Store Leader" making all major decisions for my little shop called Joe Van Gogh.  I go to Latte Art competitions and hang out at Roasteries and nerd out on coffee crap.  We're doing well for a little shop- we're making a lot of money and selling lots of coffee and as much as I can tell: the community likes us.

But I got this itch, you see... for something BIGGER than just another coffee shop.  Something BETTER.  Something on the cutting edge.  Something that other shops in the area will see and go, "Damn, we should start doing that."  I can optimize a shop- I think I've proven that.  I can delegate so that the team feels the responsibility of running their own store.  But I crave something bigger...


So I think and I think and I ponder about what we can do to stand out and make the city take notice of us- and sometimes it's hard to shut my brain off.  Here I am, on my day off, blogging about coffee.  Downloading Wikipedia articles and preparing for tomorrow's meetings with my Lead Baristas. 

Maybe I need some intervention.  Maybe I need someone to say, "Coffee really aint that cool, Bro," or something like that.

But as of right now, coffee really IS that cool.  This is the Third Wave- and I'm probably gonna be neck deep in this for a long time.

A new song

Here's the lyrics to a new song I am working on.  It's pretty self-explanatory, but let me start by saying that it can come across harsher than I meant if you can't hear a folksy twanging rock beat in the background.  Also, this song intentionally paints a picture of being a bit of a hellion.  I still believe in God and love him dearly... I just have embraced a different lifestyle, if that makes sense.  I guess you're going to read what you're going to read, and I should just let it be.  Sorry, Mom.



I was born a Pastor's kid
And I did the stuff my daddy did.
I went to church and said my prayers
We went to campouts and we sat out on lawn chairs

I remember when my sins were simple
The Bible says don't do "this" so I did "that"
But now my mind gets quite unraveled
My world is full of colors, it aint so white and black

We used to sit around the fire singing songs of reckless abandon to Jesus
Now I sit around the fire- drinking in whiskey and good times with pagan friends

Oh I was so young back then
I said so much self-righteous sh*t
Oh I knew who was out and who was "in"
Knew every Bible verse pertaining to sin
And I'm ashamed to admit it
And I swear to God that I'll quit it
Cuz I'm a ____ _____ screw up just like everyone else.

I was born a Pastor's kid...

Asheville, NC

Julie and I visited Asheville yesterday- it was refreshing to walk around in a new town, taste some of their local cuisine, drink their beer, and chat with some eccentric folks...  Here's some pics from the trip.

 Cool chair art

 Lunch at the Laughing Seed (Vegetarian) Cafe

 My style of the day

Fantastic Organic IPA by Mother Earth- Julie got a Gin Rickey, or as she calls it, "Summer in a cup"

Hempnut Burger! So good...

Iron. Woman.

Mason Goblet.  Does it get any classier?

Sweetest gate ever.

Julie making a clay pot "Sing" 

Freaky artwork at a local brewery, "Wedge"

We tasted The Precious... Wedge's 9.9% ABV Belgian "Golem"- DELICIOUS.  I mean, best beer I've ever had delicious.

 Pizza from a local food truck: 

Asparagus with Gouda on one side, Mushroom and Arugula on the other.  

 We wanted to see the Biltmore mansion, but the tickets were 60 bucks a pop!  So we watched their crappy video about how they have so generously opened the mansion up to "all" who can afford it and sat on a bench instead.

Our last stop was at the Pisgah brewery where we stood around a bonfire, listened to live music and tasted more scrumptious beer.  We met a strange man who lives off the grid, has no electricity or running water, and is also a wedding photographer.  

All in all, it was a great trip.

-Tim

Oh, 32 years of love, life, and longing

My parents have been married for 32 years today.  Hokey smokes.  That's like if I had been married 8 times longer than I have...



I've been thinking about the love they share, the pain they've endured together, and the ways in which I've seen them
    a
          d
        a
        p
              t 

to each other through different stages in life.

I remember a time when my dad was firting with my mom in the kitchen while us kids were getting grossed out.  Come to think of it, that happened a lot.  They really grossed us out.

Then there were days in which I remember my parents apologizing to us when they had let their voices get a little too angry with one another during a disagreement.  Even when I could tell things were rough, they made it a point to explain to us that they loved us and they loved each other and they were never going to leave.

I remember how my mom scratched dad's back after a long day of work.

I remember how dad would write "secret" love messages to mom on napkins, white boards, refrigerator doors, etc.  They weren't very secret.

Mom would roll her eyes when dad would bring ANOTHER piece of junk car home to rebuild, but then she would also give her blessing, because she knew how happy it made my dad to fix things.

Dad might give mom a small heart attack every time he took us boys out skiing or motorcycle riding or "mud whomping"-- but he always called her while we were away to remind her of his love and let her know that he was safe.

Dang.

I don't know how you guys have done it- or why I was lucky enough to get a front row seat through it all-- but I am grateful

and

I N S P I R E D

by your love.

Happy anniversary.

-Tim

Click on our Clique!

SO here's my latest blasphemy (and you have been warned, so please stop reading if you are unprepared spiritually or soteriologically for my thoughts!):

I think I am no longer able to attend church.  It's not a matter of being too good for it, or too cynical, or because I am in sin and unwilling to confess.  It's a realization that "church" is a place where normal people suddenly turn into weirdos speaking a language they don't understand but pretend to.  It's a place where "visitors" (like a petting zoo?) feel so out of place unless they are the same ethnicity and social class as the majority.  If they ARE the same ethnicity and social class, then they can switch to the consumer mentality, and decide for themselves if this church is going to meet their needs (child care, a "bible-first" preacher, good music with a charismatic leader, etc...).  If they decide that it CAN meet their needs, then they begin "attending" and maybe join a "small group."  Keep in mind these people are just like them: they already think like them and act like them.

But what happens is inevitably somebody gets in a fight with somebody else over something stupid and the consumer attendee decides to take her business elsewhere to find a church that is EVEN MORE like-minded to her so that there won't be any more fighting.  Churches become the biggest network of cliques ever known to man.  They're like match.com for Christian narrow-mindedness.  The size of the church doesn't matter-- I have seen it in mega churches and home churches.  Rich areas and poor areas.

This was not Christ's plan.  It might have been the Apostle Paul's plan with his Utopian idea of everybody being in one accord... or maybe Luke with his very biased view of how the early church got along perfectly.  If the leaders of a church think that "unity" is the most important thing for the life of the church, than soon everyone will look, think, and act just like the leaders.  This is magnificent in the eyes of the leaders of the church, but devastating to the true work of God.

"Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ... The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” ²² On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, ²³ and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor.

I believe that I AM a part of the Church- the people of God.  But I also believe that because so many "churches" do exactly the opposite of what Paul is saying here, they would be better described as cliques and I disdain them as such, and find that being in their presence is excruciating.

Prove me wrong!  Where is the diversity in your "church"?  When do the 'eyes' say to the 'hands,' "We need you!" and then let their actions show it!?

Thursday Night Throwdown

Last night I participated in a local barista competition called "Thursday Night Throwdown" in Raleigh.  All the competitors put $5 in a jar and the winner takes all.  Three judges look at the use of space, the creativity, and the technique, and point to the one they like best.  Last month we held it in our shop in Durham, so I figured it would be a nice gesture for me to go out and see Jubala Coffee in Raleigh.  Brian Maiers and I spent some good "bro time" together, talking shop and having fun.  Jubala is super trendy-- they refuse to have an auto drip coffee maker, so they do individual pourovers for customers.  They have 3 syrups: vanilla, chocolate, and almond.  They also make waffles.  Quite delicious waffles, too.

Well, I didn't want to compete, but Brian had been working on me all day and then this guy Jonathan just grabbed me and so all of sudden I'm standing there with a pitcher in my hand, a TV camera to my right, and all eyes fixed on me and him.

"Uh... what do I make?"

"This level is called: Barista's choice!"

I got lucky.  I steamed the milk, spending extra effort to not to spill it everywhere, and then poured a pretty nice looking rosetta.

I didn't get a pic of the one I made, but they basically look like this:

I made it past the first round!

People cheered, some random dude gave me a high five, and suddenly I had to compete again.

This time: A Rosetta!

Oh, good, I just made one.  I can do this again....  OR CAN I??

Nope.  I screwed up by not adding enough milk into the steaming pitcher and ended up with a nasty looking blob on the top of the latte.

But I made it past the first round.  That was the most important part.

All in all it was fun and I'm eagerly trying to hone in my skills for next month's throwdown.

-Tim

Like a dog takes to water

My dog, Ellie, is a water dog.  And by that I mean she likes to SPLASH in the shallow end of the water for hours on end.  As soon as we throw a toy into the deep end, however, she refuses to go get it.

For years this has baffled us, since she IS a lab (at least in part) and her sister from the same litter learned how to swim a long time ago.  We've plopped her in the deep end, only to have her panic and refuse to get near the water for the next month.  We've carried her slowly out with lots of encouragement, only to end up with scratches and cuts all over us from her clawing.  So, we finally decided to just let nature take her course.

This last trip to the lake, Ellie finally swam.  For whatever reason, she found the courage in her to leave that safe shore (for a brief moment) and dog-paddle her way to get a floating toy.  All that I did was stand a little farther in the deep end than her and lead her out with her leash!  Julie and I were SHOCKED and so proud of our little Ellie.  This might be us reading too far into it, but Ellie seemed extremely proud of herself and more confident than ever.  It was like all she needed was time and the assurance that her master was not going to lead her to her death.

*************

I'm trying to figure out how to not make this sound RIDICULOUSLY cheesy or cliche, but I guess there's no way around it: God is our master- patiently trying to guide us into the deep end of our shallow lives- and we fight and fight and resist and struggle because it's scary and different and we're not sure if we can trust God.

Lately Julie and I have been struggling with allowing God to lead us into our future, which for us means to stop worrying about it and let it happen.  There is so much unknown- both within us and outside us that sometimes I feel compelled to just make a decision on my own so that it appears like I have more control than I do.  I ask questions like, "Maybe I should just go balls out and take out a massive loan and start the coffee shop that I've always dreamed about."  Julie asks questions like, "Maybe I won't be able to finish my program and maybe I won't like being a professor anyway and then we'll be stuck with all the debt for nothing."

I feel the Almighty's hand in those moments, leading us back to the safe shore for just a bit.  "Let's take a breather," she says.  "You guys were doing great there, but maybe we should just recollect ourselves before we have another go.  I love you.  There is no need to distrust me.  You are safe."

Again, sorry it's so cheesy, but sometimes that's the way it goes!  :)

"I rebuke you!" and other fantasy tales

Some people like to pretend that God wants them to judge other people because they have quote: "discernment" and that it is their unfortunate responsibility to tell Christians and non-Christians alike when they are sinning.  It doesn't take you long when you are welcomed into the Christian tent to be the victim of a rebuking.  Something like this:

You are really excited about the new movie ______ .  You and a bunch of your friends have been eagerly anticipating it, and then, the night before the opening, one of your "Christian" pals says, "You know, there is a lot of (insert sin here) in that movie.  You really shouldn't watch it.  I'm only telling you because I don't want you to sin by supporting that Hollywood trash."  These are the same people that believe that Jesus would have been a Republican if he were alive today.

So you feel like crap and either you don't go to the movie or you feel like crap and DO go to the movie, all the time wondering if God will forgive you because you kinda enjoy the awesome storyline and character development and special effects.

I'll be honest.  I used to judge people pretty harshly.  Even though I myself was living a double life, I told the "harsh truths" to my friends that listened to secular music like AC/DC and watched "R" rated movies with naked people and ... *gasp!* drank alcohol.

I kinda think Jesus might have dug some AC/DC.

Anyway.

The point is simple: if you are taking it upon yourself to "rebuke" your brother or sister in Christ because you feel that they are sinning against God, what you are really doing is masturbating over the idea of playing God.  "Oh, man, if I were him, I'd be smiting those sinners! ... OOHH  BBBABY!"

It's alluring.  I'll give you that.  And it looks like what Paul was talking about in his 2nd letter to Timothy (3:16) when you take a verse of scripture to "back up" what you are judging your neighbor about.  But that's actually not the right model we're supposed to look at.  The right model is Christ, when people told him to stop sinning by "working" on the Sabbath (a BIG sin in that time) and he told them to shut up cuz they were being stupid.

A Name Change, a New Layout

So I was bored with the whole "Deep Thoughts With Timothy" bit.  Frankly, my thoughts aren't always deep.  Mostly just blasphemic.  So I guess I'm going to embrace that.

Christians have issues with blasphemy.  I guess a long time ago some people were worried that if some improper doctrine "leaked in", then Christianity as we know it would be corrupted (much like politics).  There were people trying to add Christianity to their orgies; Christianity to their human sacrifices; Christianity to their Justin Beiber obsession.  And I can see the importance of protecting our sacred religion from the likes of Justin Beiber (who is a Belieber, I'm told).

But lets get real.  Nowadays in the Christian world (whatever the hell THAT is) people will yell, "Blasphemer!" if someone simply reads the scripture and offers an honest, intelligent thought process (Love Wins, anyone?).

I guess I wear the term, "Blasphemer" as a Scarlet Letter-- not because I want to hurt God's feelings, but because I believe God wants us to be honest when we approach him.  If we don't believe he is good because we've encountered situations in which we think he was bad, then we shouldn't pretend that we believe he is good.

I just wanna say, "GROW UP, CHRISTIANS!" when I hear them say things like, "Well, my wife left me and I lost my job but God is good, all the time!"  You don't believe that.  Not even Job believed that.

So "blasphemy" as I am going to use it doesn't necessarily denote an exact denial of the tenants or foundations of the Christian belief-- it just means that all of those are up for examination, discussion, and execution.

It is my opinion that most of what I grew up believing (in an American Baptist tradition) was simply a middle class, white, evangelical, non-confrontational and self-righteous "here's-what-to-believe-so-sing-it-in-a-song-and-don't-question-it" kind of a thing.  I don't hate my upbringing, mind you-- it was what it was, and I'm who I am because of it.

But, I want to move past that- I want to keep learning and growing- I want to allow God the freedom to make me who HE WANTS ME TO BE.

I don't want to be a puppet of Christian culture.

He doesn't get it

A customer of mine is a bit confused.  You see, she's trying to tell this boy that she's not interested in him.  They just moved in together.  Strange that he's not getting that message, huh?  Nope.

He's determined to date her.  She's determined to be independent.

And I'm just trying to serve them coffee.

But it got me thinking.

...

How often do I say that I want something but instead I DO something that kinda shows that maybe I DON'T really want that thing?  I can't think of anything specifically right now, but I guess I just wondered if it happens.  I'm pretty sure it does.

I think our soul is often at war with our culturally-formed actions and thought-processes.  Have you ever been in the midst of situation in which culturally you shouldn't have had a problem, but something deep in you said, "this is not right"?  How about a time in which you discovered something you do really well but since there is not a clear "Career Path" around that task you abandoned it?

This is when our soul is talking to us.

Remember me!!  Listen to me!!  Fight for me!!

I wonder sometimes if my soul is not the noble warrior I wish it to be.  I wonder if it is a scared boy inside a dark closet, watching his indiglo-illumined wristwatch.  Or maybe a schoolkid in detention, staring out the window, watching the birds dance in the sky, wondering if they were really all that different from him.  That if he just closed his eyes, and tried with all his might...

These thoughts tend to leave me more depressed than inspired.  Ah well.  Listening to Bon Iver tends to do this to me.  ;)

[the following is an unedited poem I wrote- so don't look into it too hard!  lol]

Your hands are around my neck
But I don't feel you squeeze
Instead you are massaging my throat
Helping me breathe
I guess I forgot how for awhile
And I guess I assumed everyone would be waiting to see me
Waiting to see me fall
Who keeps selling all these tickets?
And how come everyone's got a front row seat?
It's opening night for the third day straight
And I don't have a line to say
No I have not been given a monologue
But I feel one welling up within me
I might just blow my cue
It's only a curtain anyway
Only a curtain between you and me
Protocol
It can wait, right?
Wish there were seatbelts on those chairs
Instead all I see are rearview mirrors and air fresheners
And everyone brought their pillows and blankets
Popcorn and complacency, please

But who am I to judge
I'm the one up here
Without a line

Did you vote?

So North Carolina passed an amendment recently that pretty much screws over the legal rights of domestic partners who are not recognized by the state as legally wedded (only between a man and a woman).  Julie and I knew it was coming because of all the posters that popped up everywhere: "Another family against the Amendment" was the most common.  Due to the nature of Durham, a very gay-friendly city, I told Julie that I thought there was no way that the Amendment was going to pass.  In fact, in the Triangle the Amendment was overwhelmingly defeated.  But the rest of North Carolina is a different story.

The Amendment won by over 14,000 votes.

Good grief.

I wish those who voted for the Amendment would look at it this way:

What if all the right handed people out there decided that those who use their left hand should not be allowed to have the same rights of us who are right handed?  Would it be acceptable to make a huge decision that affects their lives without asking them what they want (like creating desks that only work for the right handed)?  Why would they do that??  I mean, how does it affect the right-handers if left-handers get the same rights??  What could they possibly gain by denying left-handers the rights that they enjoy without anyone questioning them on whether or not they deserve it?

It makes me sad.  I mean, I was pissed off that the Amendment was even conceived and proposed in the first place, but since it was passed-- it just seems like another reason in which North Carolina is in the dark ages in ethics, morality, and intelligence.

Will this Amendment get repealed/revoked?  I sure hope so.  But who knows how long that will take.  But you can bet when it does, NC will be embarrassed by how long it took and there will be a lot of apologizing and ass kissing.

"Slaves..."

I've been thinking about the phrase: "Slaves, obey your masters..." (Colossians chapter 3) as it pertains to the Church both in the present and in the past.

The first word is addressed in such a manner to illustrate the current setting.  There is no question of doubt as to 1) whether or not there are slaves and 2) whether or not there are slaves within the church.  The writer, Paul, is not questioning a current practice or even challenging the notion of whether it SHOULD be in practice or not.  Rather, he is trying to instill a sense of respect for the slaves and slave owners to act in the most honorable way possible in the circumstances.  He tells the slaves that they should not just do everything that their masters command but also do it with "a sincere heart."  

I've heard pastors talk about this passage in a positive light.  "See how amazing Paul was to be encouraging two warring classes to get along?"

This whole thing makes me want to vomit.

WHAT PAUL SHOULD HAVE SAID was "Masters, you will one day be forced to give account to your behavior and why you thought the creator of free humanity would ever consider the enslavement of his loved ones to be a reasonable idea.  I pray the Lord curses your household with famine and plague until the release of your slaves and until you embrace them as fellow human beings, loved by God."

I have heard people talk about classes being approved/encouraged by God.  They say, "God gave some people great gifts (meaning money) and others he didn't."  "Money isn't evil, only the LOVE of money."  In fact, they see their rich position as a holy responsibility to take care of the poor.  And I'm sure that SOME actually do.  But the existence of classes, to me, says that we are still SO FAR away from our designed humanity.  I can't explain why Christ did not do more to destroy these horrible class systems.  I know he often disregarded them, but  he rarely spoke to the actual issue.  The best I can respond to this fact is that He had his hands full doing the whole, taking on the sins of the world bit.

Am I a Socialist?  I think that will be the question that an advocate of class systems will immediately demand.  They have found a term that seems derogatory and devoid of Religious devoutness and they will SMOTHER anyone with an opinion that spins their precious rich world around.  

Am I proposing that the rich give all their money away right now?  I don't know.  Probably not.  But Jesus was sure quick about requiring that of people whose money had become their idol.  And if we were honest, could ANYONE IN AMERICA REALLY BE ABLE TO SAY THAT THEY NEVER STRUGGLE WITH MAKING MONEY THEIR IDOL?

I have those "American Dreams" just like many out there.  I get a tinge of greed when I hear about someone buying an amazing house or a new toy or a lifestyle that I could never afford...  But I agree that that greed is MY problem, not theirs.  I can be more than content with my modest life and have plenty left over to take care of my neighbor when they experience hard times.  

But can I?  Will I?  DO I?

How often do I ask these questions of myself?

And how often do you?

For the thrill of the chase

I'm sipping a glass of Spanish red, listening to Of Monsters and Men, thinking about morality.

When I was in high school/ early college it was all about "living up" to the standards God has given to us in the Bible.  Things like abstaining from sex and not cussing and "managing your thought life" took precedence.  I hated myself during this time.  And often struggled with hating others who broke these obvious rules of God carelessly or deliberately.  Yes, it's true that I broke these rules on an hourly/minutely/secondly manner, but at least I felt BAD about it.

What a wasted effort.

It's hard for me to look back on that time of attempted moral superiority and self-sufficiency without thinking maybe I wasn't alone in this.  Are there others that were also hating themselves but trying to appear to others that they were simply striving after God?  These days, I still feel myself drawn into returning to some of those same judgments of myself and others according to this scale of "morality."  But now, I have come to believe that most common ideas of "morality" are anything but.

Most commonly something is considered "moral" if the society that is currently holding the power deems it normal or right.  Rarely is a thought given towards whether or not God approves, disproves, or cares.  Rather, it is ASSUMED that God approves or disapproves, and NEVER does God not have an opinion (sorry about all the negatives).

"If God knows every hair on your head like the scripture says, then of COURSE he believes that any and all forms of abortion are wrong."  "... of course he says that we should never kill our neighbor unless our government deems him/her an enemy of freedom and then we need to kill them"

I myself am in a bit of a moral dilemma.  I can't go into details but I have been scratching my head as to what God thinks of it.  It's the type of dilemma in which there is no single-phrase scripture that speaks to it.  I suppose I could infer a few things from a number of different biblical situations, but it's not simple like, "_____ should not _____, no matter what."  Julie and I spoke of this at length this evening without coming to any conclusions.

I guess it's good to just ask the question in the first place-- but will we ever come to an answer?  And if we know there is not going to be an official answer should we still keep asking the question?  Is that kinda like chasing your tail even though you know you'll never catch it and if you catch it what will you do with a damn tail in your mouth?

This is typically when I write a song.

Out of the Funk while being in one

I'm having an inner dialog.  It goes something like this:

"Tim."

"Yes?"

"You need to go out there and DO stuff."

"Yeah, I know."

"Like... go make some friends."

"Uh."

"..And find a hobby that gets you out of the house..."

"Yep."

"...And start working out again!"

"rrrrright..."


Do you ever have conversations like that?  Of course you do.  Unless you are like the men in my family.  They all are self-starters.  Do-it-yourself-ers.  I drag and drag my feet.  It's not that I don't WANT to.  I just feel this huge lack of initial thrust.  Once the wind is at my back-- WHOA!  Look out!!  But before I feel that breeze, I'm pretty nominal.

I auditioned for a band.  They needed a singer and I'm doing NOTHING with my music right now, so I thought, what the hey, I'll ride on their steam.

I haven't gotten a call back.

Whoops.  Guess that's what happens when you don't practice.  You start sucking.

And the thing is, i REALLY WANTED TO JOIN THEIR BAND.

They had this cool modern funk thing going and I had all these visions of me being the front man, working the crowd...

Nope.

Perhaps I should try a new hobby.

I'm ok with ambiguity

You ever have that moment when someone asks you a specific question, asking for a specific answer to which you don't really have that perfect solution?  I had this happen to me, recently.

A newer friend of mine ( who I have no idea where he stands in terms of religion, etc) asked if I was sure I was going to heaven, since he knew I was a Christian.  I had made a comment like, "If there's a heaven and I'm allowed in..." and he was taken aback.

"I thought all Christians had that issue taken care of." He said.

Yeah.

I remember there were a few people Christ said weren't going to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.  And NO, it wasn't Paul's list of "fornicators and homosexuals and anyone who doesn't share my extremely narrow view of salvation through beating myself up".  It was those who were pretty damn sure they were going to heaven.  The Pharisees.  Heck, they were doing everything right!  They were obeying practically every commandment.  They were penitent, pure, and devoted.  They taught the scriptures to the unbelievers and adhered to a "set apart" life style.

And they were most likely all going to hell.  The brood of vipers.

Jesus' words, not mine.

So the whole concept of being "assured" that I am going to heaven has been a lesson in ambiguity to me.  Despite the fact that those who are "confident in their salvation" are, in general, JERKS-- I think they are often the illustrations of Jesus' parables.  And not the good kind of illustration.  They are the 'what not to be.'

Those who "have their act together" in modern Christian circles have put on pressure for others to see if they are worthy of heaven.  "Have you accepted Christ into your heart?  Have you prayed the prayer?  Is your life showing fruit of a life devoted to Jesus?"

These are questions designed to segregate, not to encourage true spiritual growth.

As a lightning storm thunders overhead, I can't help but be reminded of Yahweh's words, "I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion.."

The Lord be with you.

The Disciple Whom Jesus Loved

So, I might get in trouble for this post.

But something's been nagging at me for awhile.  The question is in regards to the awkward topic of Jesus' sexuality.

So, he was fully man, right?  FULLY man?

What man doesn't have, well, urges (to put it gently) for either members of the opposite or same sex??  Eunuchs, I suppose...  But aside from them!!  Isn't this a part of our human experience!?  Why should we expect Jesus to not have this?

And, unless you wanted to argue that all sexual desires for another are evil (you would also have to argue that Adam and Eve never had sex in the garden) and since Jesus is pure he never "sinned"... I think we have to deduce that Jesus DID in fact, desire others in a sexual way.

Is there any evidence in scripture that Jesus favored someone over another??  Well, the fiction writer Dan Brown likes to play off of the whole Mary Magdalene thing... But I don't think there's any evidence to support that- just wishful thinking.  And then I was reading one of Julie's textbooks that pointed out this verse:

John 13:23-

There was at the table reclining in Jesus bosom one of his disciples, whom Jesus loved. (ASV)

Did anyone else rest on Jesus' bosom??  (no)  Did anyone else achieve the status, "The one whom Jesus loved"?  (no)  Later in this same scene, the disciples want to figure out who is going to betray Jesus, but Peter, who is in Christ's inner circle, doesn't have the guts to ask him who it is going to be, so he nudges the one who is resting on Jesus' bosom to ask the hardest question of all, which he does.  I encourage you to reread the whole chapter.

Doesn't that say something?  I don't want to read what's NOT in the text, but I don't want to miss WHAT IS GLARINGLY OBVIOUS, just because it's hard to wrap my mind around the idea...  

Could Christ, in fact, have been sexually oriented towards other men?  

BLASPHEMY!!!

Okay, okay.

But seriously!!  I'm not saying he did or didn't do anything with it, but to me the signs are pointing to the fact that he had special feelings towards one of his disciples and all the other disciples knew it.  Does this in any way destroy his Divinity?  NO.  How about his humanity?  NO.  If anything, it strengthens the notion that he did, in fact, suffer the temptations that all mankind suffers through.  Just think about it... And don't write me off as a heretic just yet.

Let's call it Lent?

So it's now officially the Lenten season.  People are committing to abstaining from sugar, alcohol, negativism, technology etc, etc, etc for 40 days until Easter.

I wasn't planning on doing anything.  It's not because I don't believe in the practice.  I think it's a good idea to realize the aspect of our lives that we DO have control over.  Albeit small, we do have a role to play in the working out of our faith.  It's also a good idea to "test" ourselves to see if we really can go without something that we think we NEED in our lives, rather than just talk about doing without it.

The reason I originally objected to participating this year is that I feel no attachment to a "community" of believers.  I am friends with many Christians and enjoy their company regularly.  But I am not a part of a community.  This is partly intentional because of my frustrations with the state of the Christian religion in America, and partly because I am nervous about being crushed again.

If I am not a part of a community, why should I participate in a community event?  They have 'Fat Tuesday' where everyone pigs out before 'the fast' so to speak, then the celebrate Easter together, etc, etc.  I never want to be the casual attender that just hits up the "main services" (Easter, Christmas).  I never want to be luke warm.

But, the reality is that I have decided to lent.  I want to lent the concept of moderation.  Only one cup of coffee a day.  Only one drink with dinner (or none at all).  The point for me is to achieve balance- I've been so off-key lately.  I will start exercising.  Not a ton-- though I could if I became obsessed with it... just a little bit in order to balance.  I will start praying intentionally.  I will play more with the dogs.

That's the plan, anyway.  We'll see how it goes.

Tim

You are not who you think you are

Someone told me once that no matter who you think you really are, the REAL you is what people perceive of you.

It's a little cynical... perhaps a little boring...  but there's some truth there.

I mean, I might just think that I am the most kind, compassionate man...

But when my coworkers tell me that I come across as a stuck-up jerk--

I have to rethink my perception of me.  And not just the "perception" but also what is truly going on in my heart.

"Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks" -- I believe this to be true.

So there's my dirty laundry: my employees think I'm a bit of a jerk.  I demand too much of them-- I do too much "behind the scenes" work and not enough "in the the trenches" work.  Hm.

I mourn this.  But I also move on quickly.  As much as I am sorry that I come across as abrupt and a bit demanding at times, I understand that they are not the ones with the title: Manager.  They do not have to answer to anyone, and in their minds, the motto is: "we're just makin' coffee here!  Let's just have fun!"

They have a point.  We are hideously underpaid and it's easier to cope with that by screwing around.  But their point is grossly outweighed.  Making coffee IS fun, and at its surface seems like we're all just standing around, lollygagging.  But if you remove a layer, you can see that we're running a business.  And we, as a company with 4 locations, haven't gotten to where we are just by frolicking through daisies.

That's a hard fence to walk.

1.  Keep the job light-hearted, so you don't lose your mind.

2.  And keep a tight grip on the reins so that you never lose the respect and quality that your business demands.

Sigh.

I'm not the perfect boss.  In fact, I'm probably not even a mediocre boss.  But I'm trying.  Doesn't that account for something?

Tim

Bon Iver Weekend

So I am in the midst of an ACTUAL WEEKEND... and I'm loving it.  I was able to give myself 2 days off in a row and I have celebrated by doing nothing of importance-- and everything of importance.

I bought Bon Iver's newest album (albeit came out last year) with the itunes gift card I was given by my wonderful in laws for Christmas.  Yesterday I gave myself 40 minutes of uninterrupted LISTENING, while I followed along with the lyrics and artwork from the digital cover.

Powerful.

Do yourself a favor, right now.  It will only take a few minutes.

Put on some headphones, then click on this song in YouTube: Perth by Bon Iver (unless you've already bought it, then just use you're own copy).

While that is playing, stare intently at this painting:

And once you have appreciated it and said "amen", watch this video here about how they made the painting:

Making of Bon Iver Album Art


What a Sabbath.  Love to you all.

Tim

Workout

Really, you should just go do it, right now.




This is what I have been telling myself.




WORK....






OUT.....






NOWWWW.....







sigh.

2 am, and I can't sleep

Yep.  It's 2:06am.  And... I'm up.  I sat in bed for an hour with my mind whirling and twirling and dancing a jig...  a happy little restless jig...

Damn tea.  I shouldn't have had it so close to bedtime.

And I've got a lot on my mind.

Work has been tough- and exciting.  Training 2 new people is tough.  Training 4 new people is going to be insane.  What sucks is these are all going to be short termers... next semester I'll most likely have to train 4 more new people.  Sigh...

It's not that I don't like training.  In fact, I quite enjoy it.  I have often been told that I am a very patient and thorough trainer.  I take the time to understand where the person is coming from and I always try to gauge how much is too much to give them before they crack.

The part that's tough is that instead of having a proper schedule with extra people on the floor so I can invest in my employees, I am forced to push them straight into the mad house and offer hurried explanations and corrections while I'm making 1000's of beverages.  Whine, whine, whine.

A wheel of cheese walks into a bar and says, "I have just had the worst day of my life!  Nothing could possibly get any worse!"  The bartender says, "Well, how bout a little glass of wine? ...  cuz you're cheese and most people offer you cheese when you whine... but you're already cheese..."

A river walks into a bar and says, "No one understands me!"  The bartender says, "How the hell did you walk in here?"

A fire man walks into a bar and says, "This whole place would burn down if I wasn't here."  The bartender says, "Why do I always have a smart ass comment for everything?"


Apparently my mind creates stupid bar jokes when I can't sleep.  Fantastic.

There's a lot of criminals in my neighborhood.  Not necessarily ones that I know personally, but I know they're there.  I subscribe to a couple Listservs and everyday it  seems someone is reporting another break in or robbery.  Some dude just looks inside a car, jiggles the handle and if it opens, he helps himself to whatever he finds.  Middle of the day even!!  They've been getting away with it for a long time, apparently.  That's how my first iPod got jacked.  Parked right outside the bar I was in, come back after an hour and my iPod's gone.  The other thing is break-ins.  Just last month someone in my neighborhood with a security system and two large dogs got their house broken into in the middle of the afternoon and had TWO flat screen TVs stolen.  And I don't even live in the bad part of town!!  Who knows what goes on there!!

I met someone who says they are or were "Anti-Christianity."  He was raised Roman Catholic and all of the force-feeding of religion made him hate anything to do with God.  I didn't have time to say it then, but I can't help but feel like I agree.  In many ways, although I LOVE God and adore His Church, I am very much "anti-Christianity."  You see, one Christian can screw up and repent.  But a whole Christian institution can corrupt an entire nation and not even know it.  I guess it's kinda like, "Kill 1 person and you're a tyrant, kill a million and you're a conqueror."  Or something.

But I don't like the notion of stating: "I am anti______" (whatever it is that you are anti).  Why should the hatred and disgust of something define you?  Some look at my slightly detached, critical look at the Church in America's DISGUSTING STATE as being so.  But that does not define me.  If people ask me, "Who are you?"  I don't say, "Well I'm definitely NOT one of THOSE people..."  I guess that's how some people define "Postmodernism."  Pretty much just people who don't like the values that are associated with Modernism.  I read an old man's rant today about how those "Good ol' days" back in the 60's were the times when there was no crime and kids never disobeyed and were smarter than nowadays and blah blah blah.  I mean, come on.  I don't mind it if you are proud of your school or your upbringing, but don't just rattle off a bunch of shit that can be easily disproven with 9 billion statistics.  And PLEASE don't exaggerate!!  There's nothing I hate worse than someone who exaggerates just to show that he is like, a gajillion times better than everybody.

Are things getting better?  Eh... probably not.  Are things getting worse?  Not significantly.  We're all just kinda plugging along...

Some places are getting destroyed by hurricanes and famine and poverty.  Other places are experiencing peace and prosperity.  Some places are wallowing in moral filth.  Other places are undergoing spiritual revival and growth.

It's not about deterioration or elevation.  It's about balance.  Yin and yang shit.  This is our model for our earth.

Do I wish that we all could just get along?  ABSOLUTELY.

Do I think that this world would be better if we stopped fighting and learned to respect and enjoy our differences?  OH YEAH

Do I think that Mother Nature sometimes tries to kill entire cities?  UH HUH.  But she also gives us Sunrises and beautiful seascapes and mountains and dew and twittering birds and stuff.  And then lightening strikes a tree and burns the whole damn beautiful forest.  And then it regrows after a few years, stronger than it was before...

I find it curious that some Christians are threatened by me.  I think the really smart ones just disregard my silly ideas... but the NORMAL day-to-day Christian finds me repulsive.  Some might think:

     How can this man believe in Christ if he isn't "witnessing" by handing out tracts or "evangelizing" with the rest of us?
    How come he doesn't get "involved in a Church"?
    How come he doesn't use his gifts of music to "bless the community"?
    How come he is always having different ideas than everyone?  Doesn't he know the bible verse that says all the disciples were in one accord?
    Why doesn't he tithe 10% like the Bible says to??  (it doesn't.  It's just been taken out of context)

If I could have only one and not the other, I would much prefer it that "sinners" find me intriguing and delightful while "Christians" find me difficult and hard to understand.  I feel like that's the model that Jesus set up.

The "sinners" didn't put Jesus on the cross.  It was the religious.  The devout.  The regular tithe-giver and church-goer.  Why would the sinners put Him on the cross?  He was offering them hope and a new perspective on life!  The "godly" however, had too much at stake to let this Jesus fool mess with their happy little cush lives.  Jesus had harsh things to say about them, and difficult parables for them to unravel...

Alright.  I've blogged til 3am.  It's time for another attempt at sleep.  If you've made it this far into my ramblings, you are my friend and I hope to repay the kindness someday to you.

As always,
Tim