Julie (my wife) said something to me earlier that I can't stop thinking about. I forgot why or what context but she simply said, "Tim, only Christians read your blog." At the time I just shrugged and thought, "She's probably right."
But the more I think about it, the more I'm sort of haunted by that fact. Not that only Christians read my blog or worse, that NO ONE reads my blog... but rather that I am only friends with Christians and only Christians can understand what the hell I'm talking about on a day to day basis.
My roommie, Andrew, is a wonderful, unique man who has a deep spiritual connection with God, but I'm pretty positive he would never consider himself a quote, "Christian." But aside from him and coworkers-- I'm pretty isolated. Incubed in Christians. Surrounded. Cornered.
HA! I'm kidding! I love my Christian friends, and I do not mean to offend any of you. If I did not have you, I know I would be very afraid and lost and alone. And maybe suicidal.
But I don't want to live in a Christianese bubble (no matter how liberal it may be). I want non-Christians to be feel like they can approach me about anything and not feel judged. I want them to know that they can confide in me- that I will listen... and I will love them regardless.
But I guess if I want them to read my blog, I would need to read THEIR blog... hmm... Maybe it's time to branch out.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
Something friendly
Not all my posts are rants...
Just most of them, I guess. Sorry. Sometimes I debate with myself about whether I should make a new blog that's dedicated just to ranting, and then keep this one just for happy things- that way people can see the Happy Tim all the time. Obviously you see my personality clash with that idea.
I am one person. Soul, body, emotion, spirit. All one. Good with the bad. And if I'm to be "airing out my laundry" for the world to see, then I'm not going to try to manipulate that and live a sort of Second Life through blogging about what I think people will want to read because it makes me seem cool or funny. This is me, and dammit, here I am. That's kinda freeing.
And my dogs got fixed last week.
Yep, Ellie and Oliver have been surgically altered. At first they seemed pretty emotionally scarred by it--Ellie especially. She would sit in her kennel all day long just glaring at the world. You come near her and she might try to bite your head off (she actually took a chunk of Oliver's head off). But after awhile, they both kinda just learned to deal with it, and now they've got the spring back in their steps. Amazing how nature can do that.
Is it weird to think of myself as being "Church Castrated"? I mean, I was practically raised in the church (maybe even conceived in the church?) and spent my whole life living within it's norms and rules and fellowship and joy. But now that it's been forcibly removed from me (like a male dog's 'manhood') I find myself slowly finding a spring back into my step after a year of bitterness and misery. Emphasis on SLOWLY, but the point remains. It's almost been a year since my Church Castration, and I'm kinda forgetting what it was like back when I had it. I look at old pictures and remember some old feelings I had and some sermons I preached and songs I led, but not much else leaves a lasting impression. I gave some homeless people food, I said some zealous things, I writhed on the floor when convicted of my sin-- but essentially, I was still just the same Tim. In fact, now that the church experience has been taken away from me, I am left asking a haunting question:
How much did I fake it?
Hm.
When I was in the thick of it, I wasn't thinking about myself objectively. I just was. I just felt like shouting Hallelujah so I did. I felt like putting my hand on someone's shoulder and praying for them, so I did. I encouraged people to repent and come to Jesus because I felt that it would solve their problems. I trusted God blindly.
So now I look back and wonder... how much smoke was in my eyes? Was God pleased with me? Did I offer a pure gift? Or was I, also, consumed with the Church Experience Culture so much that I missed the whole point of it?
Regrets are fruitless. But as I sit here, castrated, I wonder if I'm better off now. Or, if I should look into "growing a pair" and one day cautiously stepping out and embracing a new "Church Experience."
Will another church have me? Yeah, as long as I have money. But is God honored by me giving it to them? We'll see...
Just most of them, I guess. Sorry. Sometimes I debate with myself about whether I should make a new blog that's dedicated just to ranting, and then keep this one just for happy things- that way people can see the Happy Tim all the time. Obviously you see my personality clash with that idea.
I am one person. Soul, body, emotion, spirit. All one. Good with the bad. And if I'm to be "airing out my laundry" for the world to see, then I'm not going to try to manipulate that and live a sort of Second Life through blogging about what I think people will want to read because it makes me seem cool or funny. This is me, and dammit, here I am. That's kinda freeing.
And my dogs got fixed last week.
Yep, Ellie and Oliver have been surgically altered. At first they seemed pretty emotionally scarred by it--Ellie especially. She would sit in her kennel all day long just glaring at the world. You come near her and she might try to bite your head off (she actually took a chunk of Oliver's head off). But after awhile, they both kinda just learned to deal with it, and now they've got the spring back in their steps. Amazing how nature can do that.
Is it weird to think of myself as being "Church Castrated"? I mean, I was practically raised in the church (maybe even conceived in the church?) and spent my whole life living within it's norms and rules and fellowship and joy. But now that it's been forcibly removed from me (like a male dog's 'manhood') I find myself slowly finding a spring back into my step after a year of bitterness and misery. Emphasis on SLOWLY, but the point remains. It's almost been a year since my Church Castration, and I'm kinda forgetting what it was like back when I had it. I look at old pictures and remember some old feelings I had and some sermons I preached and songs I led, but not much else leaves a lasting impression. I gave some homeless people food, I said some zealous things, I writhed on the floor when convicted of my sin-- but essentially, I was still just the same Tim. In fact, now that the church experience has been taken away from me, I am left asking a haunting question:
How much did I fake it?
Hm.
When I was in the thick of it, I wasn't thinking about myself objectively. I just was. I just felt like shouting Hallelujah so I did. I felt like putting my hand on someone's shoulder and praying for them, so I did. I encouraged people to repent and come to Jesus because I felt that it would solve their problems. I trusted God blindly.
So now I look back and wonder... how much smoke was in my eyes? Was God pleased with me? Did I offer a pure gift? Or was I, also, consumed with the Church Experience Culture so much that I missed the whole point of it?
Regrets are fruitless. But as I sit here, castrated, I wonder if I'm better off now. Or, if I should look into "growing a pair" and one day cautiously stepping out and embracing a new "Church Experience."
Will another church have me? Yeah, as long as I have money. But is God honored by me giving it to them? We'll see...
Friday, April 15, 2011
"Church Sucks"... always.
So the church I got fired from because I didn't always go along with their B.S. decided to make a new ad campaign called "Church Sucks." At first I was like, "Oh, good! They're finally owning up to it!" but instead I was disappointed. Just another one of their gimmicks to try to get people in the door. Their angle on the Church Sucks thing is essentially, "There are some churches who suck, but we're not like them." I almost Yelped them a nasty review, but I thought it might be less permanent if I just blogged about it and then moved on.
It's one thing to SAY you're a backstabbing, business-first-mindset, pastor-as-dictator, get-butts-in-seats-in-whatever-means-possible, throw-you-under-the-bus-if-you-make-waves type of community and then live it out. At least you were clear with your audience. But if you SAY you're about Jesus, then be about Jesus. If you SAY you're not a Church just like all the evil institutional churches out there, then DON'T be like them. Sigh.
I'm not trying to start a fight or get back at anybody. I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that I gave these people almost 2 years of my life and dedication thinking that we were on the same page. I hate that I was deceived, through and through- I fell for the gimmick. It is my prayer that other seekers don't make the same mistake that I did.
It's one thing to SAY you're a backstabbing, business-first-mindset, pastor-as-dictator, get-butts-in-seats-in-whatever-means-possible, throw-you-under-the-bus-if-you-make-waves type of community and then live it out. At least you were clear with your audience. But if you SAY you're about Jesus, then be about Jesus. If you SAY you're not a Church just like all the evil institutional churches out there, then DON'T be like them. Sigh.
I'm not trying to start a fight or get back at anybody. I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that I gave these people almost 2 years of my life and dedication thinking that we were on the same page. I hate that I was deceived, through and through- I fell for the gimmick. It is my prayer that other seekers don't make the same mistake that I did.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Let's talk Orthodoxy
Rob Bell's "Love Wins" book has just come out and before I was able to get myself a copy, I was reading some of the reviews that this "controversial" topic of Universalism has raised. I was musing over the fact that some people believe in Jesus. And some people believe in Orthodoxy. Sometimes the two groups sort of swirl together in a form of tango-- but often our "tried and true" Orthodoxy is itself a chasing after the wind. The pursuit of Christ-- that is a worthwhile enterprise. The pursuit of Orthodoxy-- that is a ridiculous man-made notion that makes US the deciders of God's rulebook. Or that God is bound by a rule book.
Orthodoxy is important, some say, because if you don't have your ducks in a row, you're going to end up in hell because you believe the wrong things. Hm. I have two comments to that. One, when has ANYONE ever had all their ducks in a row? Even the most "polished" Theologian is still in progress and if they were to die early on in the journey before they learned those nit picky details that they tell everyone is so important, then the poor dears are burning in hell right now. Two, threatening people to learn orthodoxy with the punishment of hell was never Jesus' angle. Jesus was into threatening people to love, or they will find themselves in hell. That makes sense, both in the spiritual and the physical realm (those who can't love are already in a form of hell). And the orthodoxy of love is full of wonderful, glorious paradoxes that Orthodoxy lovers can't get their mind around. "What do you mean, love drives away fear? What do you mean God is love? What do you mean love never fails? Love fails when it isn't in proper orthodox, right?" WRONG.
It makes sense that modern conservative Orthodoxians would react very strongly with Rob Bell's work (keep in mind I still haven't read it and I'm not talking about the content of it, just the fact that people are furious that it challenges their precious Orthodoxy) because the religious leaders in Jesus' day did the same thing when He came along. "So you've heard it said," Christ would say, which means in our language, "So, this is your current Orthodoxy, eh? Well, I'm going to put a spin on that." And Christ didn't just do that when he was on the earth in his physical form. He is constantly spinning, twisting and fulfilling our concept of Orthodoxy through his presence within us. This is why every faction of the Christian faith meets regularly and goes all the way back to the basics to answer the question, "Well, what do we really believe now?" I've heard of all sorts of conferences of Catholics and Protestants alike who from year to year might drastically change their tune.
This is a GOOD thing. This reveals not the changing nature of God, but the changing nature of humanity and how God's Word is never outdated, but GROWS WITH US as we understand it always in the growing light of our current situations and our timeless Creator.
So this humble amateur theologian says, yeah, go ahead and learn from our forefathers. Read what they wrote, discover the journey that God took them on. But do not cling to a Time-relative Orthodoxy. Cling to a Time-less God who guides us as we seek Him.
Orthodoxy is important, some say, because if you don't have your ducks in a row, you're going to end up in hell because you believe the wrong things. Hm. I have two comments to that. One, when has ANYONE ever had all their ducks in a row? Even the most "polished" Theologian is still in progress and if they were to die early on in the journey before they learned those nit picky details that they tell everyone is so important, then the poor dears are burning in hell right now. Two, threatening people to learn orthodoxy with the punishment of hell was never Jesus' angle. Jesus was into threatening people to love, or they will find themselves in hell. That makes sense, both in the spiritual and the physical realm (those who can't love are already in a form of hell). And the orthodoxy of love is full of wonderful, glorious paradoxes that Orthodoxy lovers can't get their mind around. "What do you mean, love drives away fear? What do you mean God is love? What do you mean love never fails? Love fails when it isn't in proper orthodox, right?" WRONG.
It makes sense that modern conservative Orthodoxians would react very strongly with Rob Bell's work (keep in mind I still haven't read it and I'm not talking about the content of it, just the fact that people are furious that it challenges their precious Orthodoxy) because the religious leaders in Jesus' day did the same thing when He came along. "So you've heard it said," Christ would say, which means in our language, "So, this is your current Orthodoxy, eh? Well, I'm going to put a spin on that." And Christ didn't just do that when he was on the earth in his physical form. He is constantly spinning, twisting and fulfilling our concept of Orthodoxy through his presence within us. This is why every faction of the Christian faith meets regularly and goes all the way back to the basics to answer the question, "Well, what do we really believe now?" I've heard of all sorts of conferences of Catholics and Protestants alike who from year to year might drastically change their tune.
This is a GOOD thing. This reveals not the changing nature of God, but the changing nature of humanity and how God's Word is never outdated, but GROWS WITH US as we understand it always in the growing light of our current situations and our timeless Creator.
So this humble amateur theologian says, yeah, go ahead and learn from our forefathers. Read what they wrote, discover the journey that God took them on. But do not cling to a Time-relative Orthodoxy. Cling to a Time-less God who guides us as we seek Him.
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