This past Sunday we had church in prison. Butner medium-security prison to be precise. We go about 3 or 4 times a year. Last time I was confused/bewildered by how it was that the inmates had so much joy and hope and passion for God- and there were so many! Approximately 250 men all crammed in to this tiny "Religious Services" room- passing peace to one another and celebrating God and God's work in their lives.
This time was different in that I came to the prison carrying something. A guitar. For anyone who doesn't know, I'm a recovering worship leader. I started sometime around Jr High, I think, and never took a break until I was fired from a small church plant I helped start in Folsom, CA, two years ago. My wife and I were so devastated from that fall out that I haven't picked up my "worship" guitar (no pun intended) since that time.
In case you are wondering, leading worship went really well. The inmates have their own full band (we're talking keyboard, guitars, bass, drums, and small choir!) and they just jumped right in and played along with us. Oh, and I say "us" because I told my pastor, Megan, that if she didn't lead worship with me I wouldn't do it. Everybody seemed to get into it and I didn't have any major screw ups. I had quite a few people afterwards tell me I had "the gift."
So, great, right? I'm back in it? Back to worship leading? Maybe I can start leading worship at my small church?
NO FREAKING WAY.
Leading that group on Sunday was fun, and thankfully I had no panic attacks regarding my last church experience in Folsom. But I also remembered WHY I DON'T DO THIS ANYMORE.
Leading worship in the Evangelical Church for me is like handing Gollum from Lord of the Rings the One Ring. It's precious. It's lovely. It's power. I mean, it's such an ego trip. People judge you as "righteous" or "spiritual" because you stand in front of them and just play 4 chords over and over. For a guy like me who is a bit of a people pleaser anyway to suddenly have the approval and attention of the entire room is like crack. It's not healthy to have that much power. Especially with how messed up inside I am. It gives me this false identity- "worship leader Tim"- a persona that I can just click on and hide behind anytime I want. I mean, when I am on stage or whatever, it's true that I throw my whole self into it- but that's not me being vulnerable- that's me just being a good performer. And no matter how much I try to minimize that aspect of it- it's always there-- haunting me and calling me.
I'm done being that guy. And I'm so glad to know that.
But at least I had a chance to "get back on the horse" that bucked me off 2 years ago and tell that fucker (on my own terms) to go to hell.
-Tim
