Like a dog takes to water

My dog, Ellie, is a water dog.  And by that I mean she likes to SPLASH in the shallow end of the water for hours on end.  As soon as we throw a toy into the deep end, however, she refuses to go get it.

For years this has baffled us, since she IS a lab (at least in part) and her sister from the same litter learned how to swim a long time ago.  We've plopped her in the deep end, only to have her panic and refuse to get near the water for the next month.  We've carried her slowly out with lots of encouragement, only to end up with scratches and cuts all over us from her clawing.  So, we finally decided to just let nature take her course.

This last trip to the lake, Ellie finally swam.  For whatever reason, she found the courage in her to leave that safe shore (for a brief moment) and dog-paddle her way to get a floating toy.  All that I did was stand a little farther in the deep end than her and lead her out with her leash!  Julie and I were SHOCKED and so proud of our little Ellie.  This might be us reading too far into it, but Ellie seemed extremely proud of herself and more confident than ever.  It was like all she needed was time and the assurance that her master was not going to lead her to her death.

*************

I'm trying to figure out how to not make this sound RIDICULOUSLY cheesy or cliche, but I guess there's no way around it: God is our master- patiently trying to guide us into the deep end of our shallow lives- and we fight and fight and resist and struggle because it's scary and different and we're not sure if we can trust God.

Lately Julie and I have been struggling with allowing God to lead us into our future, which for us means to stop worrying about it and let it happen.  There is so much unknown- both within us and outside us that sometimes I feel compelled to just make a decision on my own so that it appears like I have more control than I do.  I ask questions like, "Maybe I should just go balls out and take out a massive loan and start the coffee shop that I've always dreamed about."  Julie asks questions like, "Maybe I won't be able to finish my program and maybe I won't like being a professor anyway and then we'll be stuck with all the debt for nothing."

I feel the Almighty's hand in those moments, leading us back to the safe shore for just a bit.  "Let's take a breather," she says.  "You guys were doing great there, but maybe we should just recollect ourselves before we have another go.  I love you.  There is no need to distrust me.  You are safe."

Again, sorry it's so cheesy, but sometimes that's the way it goes!  :)

"I rebuke you!" and other fantasy tales

Some people like to pretend that God wants them to judge other people because they have quote: "discernment" and that it is their unfortunate responsibility to tell Christians and non-Christians alike when they are sinning.  It doesn't take you long when you are welcomed into the Christian tent to be the victim of a rebuking.  Something like this:

You are really excited about the new movie ______ .  You and a bunch of your friends have been eagerly anticipating it, and then, the night before the opening, one of your "Christian" pals says, "You know, there is a lot of (insert sin here) in that movie.  You really shouldn't watch it.  I'm only telling you because I don't want you to sin by supporting that Hollywood trash."  These are the same people that believe that Jesus would have been a Republican if he were alive today.

So you feel like crap and either you don't go to the movie or you feel like crap and DO go to the movie, all the time wondering if God will forgive you because you kinda enjoy the awesome storyline and character development and special effects.

I'll be honest.  I used to judge people pretty harshly.  Even though I myself was living a double life, I told the "harsh truths" to my friends that listened to secular music like AC/DC and watched "R" rated movies with naked people and ... *gasp!* drank alcohol.

I kinda think Jesus might have dug some AC/DC.

Anyway.

The point is simple: if you are taking it upon yourself to "rebuke" your brother or sister in Christ because you feel that they are sinning against God, what you are really doing is masturbating over the idea of playing God.  "Oh, man, if I were him, I'd be smiting those sinners! ... OOHH  BBBABY!"

It's alluring.  I'll give you that.  And it looks like what Paul was talking about in his 2nd letter to Timothy (3:16) when you take a verse of scripture to "back up" what you are judging your neighbor about.  But that's actually not the right model we're supposed to look at.  The right model is Christ, when people told him to stop sinning by "working" on the Sabbath (a BIG sin in that time) and he told them to shut up cuz they were being stupid.

A Name Change, a New Layout

So I was bored with the whole "Deep Thoughts With Timothy" bit.  Frankly, my thoughts aren't always deep.  Mostly just blasphemic.  So I guess I'm going to embrace that.

Christians have issues with blasphemy.  I guess a long time ago some people were worried that if some improper doctrine "leaked in", then Christianity as we know it would be corrupted (much like politics).  There were people trying to add Christianity to their orgies; Christianity to their human sacrifices; Christianity to their Justin Beiber obsession.  And I can see the importance of protecting our sacred religion from the likes of Justin Beiber (who is a Belieber, I'm told).

But lets get real.  Nowadays in the Christian world (whatever the hell THAT is) people will yell, "Blasphemer!" if someone simply reads the scripture and offers an honest, intelligent thought process (Love Wins, anyone?).

I guess I wear the term, "Blasphemer" as a Scarlet Letter-- not because I want to hurt God's feelings, but because I believe God wants us to be honest when we approach him.  If we don't believe he is good because we've encountered situations in which we think he was bad, then we shouldn't pretend that we believe he is good.

I just wanna say, "GROW UP, CHRISTIANS!" when I hear them say things like, "Well, my wife left me and I lost my job but God is good, all the time!"  You don't believe that.  Not even Job believed that.

So "blasphemy" as I am going to use it doesn't necessarily denote an exact denial of the tenants or foundations of the Christian belief-- it just means that all of those are up for examination, discussion, and execution.

It is my opinion that most of what I grew up believing (in an American Baptist tradition) was simply a middle class, white, evangelical, non-confrontational and self-righteous "here's-what-to-believe-so-sing-it-in-a-song-and-don't-question-it" kind of a thing.  I don't hate my upbringing, mind you-- it was what it was, and I'm who I am because of it.

But, I want to move past that- I want to keep learning and growing- I want to allow God the freedom to make me who HE WANTS ME TO BE.

I don't want to be a puppet of Christian culture.

He doesn't get it

A customer of mine is a bit confused.  You see, she's trying to tell this boy that she's not interested in him.  They just moved in together.  Strange that he's not getting that message, huh?  Nope.

He's determined to date her.  She's determined to be independent.

And I'm just trying to serve them coffee.

But it got me thinking.

...

How often do I say that I want something but instead I DO something that kinda shows that maybe I DON'T really want that thing?  I can't think of anything specifically right now, but I guess I just wondered if it happens.  I'm pretty sure it does.

I think our soul is often at war with our culturally-formed actions and thought-processes.  Have you ever been in the midst of situation in which culturally you shouldn't have had a problem, but something deep in you said, "this is not right"?  How about a time in which you discovered something you do really well but since there is not a clear "Career Path" around that task you abandoned it?

This is when our soul is talking to us.

Remember me!!  Listen to me!!  Fight for me!!

I wonder sometimes if my soul is not the noble warrior I wish it to be.  I wonder if it is a scared boy inside a dark closet, watching his indiglo-illumined wristwatch.  Or maybe a schoolkid in detention, staring out the window, watching the birds dance in the sky, wondering if they were really all that different from him.  That if he just closed his eyes, and tried with all his might...

These thoughts tend to leave me more depressed than inspired.  Ah well.  Listening to Bon Iver tends to do this to me.  ;)

[the following is an unedited poem I wrote- so don't look into it too hard!  lol]

Your hands are around my neck
But I don't feel you squeeze
Instead you are massaging my throat
Helping me breathe
I guess I forgot how for awhile
And I guess I assumed everyone would be waiting to see me
Waiting to see me fall
Who keeps selling all these tickets?
And how come everyone's got a front row seat?
It's opening night for the third day straight
And I don't have a line to say
No I have not been given a monologue
But I feel one welling up within me
I might just blow my cue
It's only a curtain anyway
Only a curtain between you and me
Protocol
It can wait, right?
Wish there were seatbelts on those chairs
Instead all I see are rearview mirrors and air fresheners
And everyone brought their pillows and blankets
Popcorn and complacency, please

But who am I to judge
I'm the one up here
Without a line