Something friendly

Not all my posts are rants...

Just most of them, I guess.  Sorry.  Sometimes I debate with myself about whether I should make a new blog that's dedicated just to ranting, and then keep this one just for happy things- that way people can see the Happy Tim all the time.  Obviously you see my personality clash with that idea.

I am one person.  Soul, body, emotion, spirit.  All one.  Good with the bad.  And if I'm to be "airing out my laundry" for the world to see, then I'm not going to try to manipulate that and live a sort of Second Life through blogging about what I think people will want to read because it makes me seem cool or funny.  This is me, and dammit, here I am.  That's kinda freeing.

And my dogs got fixed last week.

Yep, Ellie and Oliver have been surgically altered.  At first they seemed pretty emotionally scarred by it--Ellie especially.  She would sit in her kennel all day long just glaring at the world.  You come near her and she might try to bite your head off (she actually took a chunk of Oliver's head off).  But after awhile, they both kinda just learned to deal with it, and now they've got the spring back in their steps.  Amazing how nature can do that.

Is it weird to think of myself as being "Church Castrated"?  I mean, I was practically raised in the church (maybe even conceived in the church?) and spent my whole life living within it's norms and rules and fellowship and joy.  But now that it's been forcibly removed from me (like a male dog's 'manhood') I find myself slowly finding a spring back into my step after a year of bitterness and misery.  Emphasis on SLOWLY, but the point remains.  It's almost been a year since my Church Castration, and I'm kinda forgetting what it was like back when I had it.  I look at old pictures and remember some old feelings I had and some sermons I preached and songs I led, but not much else leaves a lasting impression.  I gave some homeless people food, I said some zealous things, I writhed on the floor when convicted of my sin-- but essentially, I was still just the same Tim.  In fact, now that the church experience has been taken away from me, I am left asking a haunting question:

How much did I fake it?

Hm.

When I was in the thick of it, I wasn't thinking about myself objectively.  I just was.  I just felt like shouting Hallelujah so I did.  I felt like putting my hand on someone's shoulder and praying for them, so I did.  I encouraged people to repent and come to Jesus because I felt that it would solve their problems.  I trusted God blindly.

So now I look back and wonder... how much smoke was in my eyes?  Was God pleased with me?  Did I offer a pure gift?  Or was I, also, consumed with the Church Experience Culture so much that I missed the whole point of it?

Regrets are fruitless.  But as I sit here, castrated, I wonder if I'm better off now.  Or, if I should look into "growing a pair" and one day cautiously stepping out and embracing a new "Church Experience."

Will another church have me?  Yeah, as long as I have money.  But is God honored by me giving it to them?  We'll see...