Thanksgiving Vacation... almost

So, this weekend Julie and I drove down to SLO to visit the fam.  Turns out my brother and sister in law, sister, and 5 dogs were already at the house.  It was a bit... full.  Which is fun!  But I definitely saw a little bit of ...overwhelmingment... in my parent's faces.  Yeah, I just made that word up.

Overall, it was a good trip!  I got to have a bunch of small chats with everyone, catch up on stuff, find out that my parents were flying to Israel that same weekend...


Wait, what??  Yeah.  They had scheduled a trip with a team of people to go to Israel and we had NO IDEA.  Um, thanks for the heads up??  They could have told us at any point when we were planning to come see them...  but, I guess it just didn't make it into the "important to tell Tim" category.

So, I'm a bit jealous.  I've always wanted to visit the Holy Land.  Sucks that I wasn't really considered.

But I got over it.  I was more interested in just spending time with family.  My brother had to work all day Saturday shooting a wedding, so I didn't really get to see him at all.  But I had a good talk with my dad.  He asked me if I was "content."  I (mentally) rolled my eyes and thought, "Oh, great.  Here we go.  Time for the all-too-recurrent 'what are you doing with your life' talk and, 'Here's what I think you SHOULD be doing with your life' follow up."  I love my parents desperately, but I don't think I have ever asked for their opinion as to what I should do with my life, but they have always given it freely.

I should just look at it this way: Mom and Dad love me, and they just think they are helping me reach my full potential.

But it often looks THIS way: Mom and Dad think that I am a failure with my life, and if I would just do this random thing that has popped into their head then I could actually make something of myself.

They really liked it when they could tell people that I was helping to "plant a church"-- they could brag about my natural talents and how the church is different and new and exciting.  When I got canned from that they felt bad.  It's just awkward telling people when they ask, "So, how's that boy of yours?  Still growing that church in Folsom?" that "No, he got fired, and now he's just working at a coffee shop."  FAILURE.  He's kind of a FAILURE.  NOTHING GOING ON IN HIS LIFE.

Funny that I'm content.  I think the little part in my DNA that longs to please my parents is ridiculously small.  Any time my dad has taken me aside and said, "I'm proud of you, son" for whatever the hell it was that I did, I just kinda nodded and thought to myself, "okay, cool."  No real fulfillment there.  I think i've actually always resented the way they have tried to steer me down one path and then another.  My mom, God bless her, is often saying, "You know what you should do, Tim?..."

Julie says it's because they see "Potential" in me.  I think I've come to think of "potential" as a dirty word.  An excuse to pass judgment on people.  An excuse to see people not as they currently are, but how you wish they were.  Will you love me and take pride in me not because I followed the dream path that you laid out for me, but because I am your son and I am living my life in an honorable way?

It's kinda like my parent's backyard.  It's a disaster, you see.  My bro and dad ripped out the nice deck that was back there and now it's just sticks and dirt and dog shit everywhere.  He's been planning to do something with it, but hasn't done a single thing.  So, everytime anyone comes over and sees the beautiful house and the nasty backyard, they have a suggestion for my dad.  "You know what you should do?  You should turn it into a bird sanctuary."  "You know what you should do?  You should..." etc, etc. 

See what I'm getting at?  People give him suggestions because they see how horrible it looks.  That's why I resent it when Mom and Dad give me suggestions for what to do with my life, because they look at me, and see a problem that needs fixing.

Do I have a perfectly fulfilling life full of dandelions and prancing ponies?  No.  Am I content with who I am and what I have?  Yes.  Oh, God, yes.  I'm a lucky effing bastard.  :)

Someday that might be enough for my parents.  For now, I'll just let it be.