Thoughts

Today was exhausting.  But the good kind.  The kind that when you finally get to sit down and take in all that happened, you feel satisfaction, not desperation.

I've done desperation.

It wasn't too long ago. I remember vividly looking at myself and my friends, and God and the church and just being so desperate for all of them to be different than they were.  I was crying out all the time (whining all the time)- just so unsure of who I was.  I don't mean this in disrespect to those who are currently in that sort of state.  I just mean to put the two perspectives side by side for a second.

There was a song that I loved to sing when I was a worship leader.  The bridge goes:

"You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything
Everything"

And as much as I loved to sing this at the top of my lungs I realize now that I wasn't actually singing this song to God.  I was singing this song to my FEELING of God.

I wanted to FEEL God more than anything
I wanted to NEED God in the way that I hoped he would just fix everything

And in a way, to be fair, God does.  Just not at all in the way that I thought.

God does not desire desperation.  A contrite heart, perhaps.  Humility, yes. But an intentional desperation?  Yawn.  What can be gained by it?  It's an artificial undersstanding of your situation. It's like when crazy ass football fans work themselves up about a big game- convinced that their voice screaming and jumping in the stands will help "their" team beat the opponent.

REAL TALK. You don't care about the team.  YOU HAVE BEEN TOLD TO CARE ABOUT THE TEAM.  MILLIONS of MILLIONS of DOLLARS have been spent to make sure that you care about the team.  Your brain, your precious brain, has been DUPED.  Stop and think it through.  You can't, can you?  You have to just keep watching and rooting and screaming.  And you don't know why.

YOU SHOULD STOP CARING ABOUT THE TEAM. BECAUSE IT DOESN'T MATTER.  And you are supporting a very abusive, destructive sport that capitalizes on your duped-ness.

Boy if I didn't already have trouble making friends with guys...

SIGH.

I'm writing today mostly because I haven't written in a long time and this was the first thing that popped into my head.

I hope you will forgive me.  And then vow to stop watching so much football.