"Write me a blog!"

Okay, okay, Jeff.  This one's for you.

What is a man's role in a heterosexual marriage relationship?  (Easy topic, eh?)

I find myself being asked this in so many words by many of Julie's comrades at school.  Most MTS (Master's of Theological Studies) students are men, with lovely wives who more or less don't really "get into" theology.  Often professors tell their students to "Go home and have your spouse read this so that you can get a layperson's perspective."  With us, however, Julie will often pose a theological question and if she asks my opinion I will start babbling on and on and really reflect on the truths and paradoxes she reveals...

"...but you don't ever feel... competitive with her?" Julie's classmates ask me.

Why should I?  The most gorgeous woman chose me over every other eligible bachelor in the world...   I'm thrilled when she includes me, but frankly, Julie "wears the pants" when it comes to academia.  I love a good book and I do get excited about theology (specifically how it pertains to ethics) but I don't need to prove that I can "run with the big boys" by competing with her or arguing with her when I disagree.

I guess that wasn't always the case with me.  I have a little bit of my father in me...  I can be real stubborn and insist on my way and my logic...  But I also have a bit of my mother in me.  I can be real sensitive and yield to those who will never yield to me in order to preserve the relationship.

Julie and I have a semi-egalitarian relationship.  I say semi because we kinda sorta fit the bill for a stereo-typical "man is the head of the household" relationship.  I work, she studies; I pay the bills, she cooks.  But all it takes is a second glance to see what's really going on.  When we got married, we started with a fresh slate.  I didn't say, "Honey, since I am the head of the household, I will decide what tasks you should do and what role you shall play."  We took it one day at a time, slowly figuring out what our relationship dynamic was like when we split up the chores, or took them on individually.  We were honest with each other, and if there was something that one of us just REALLY didn't like to do, the other person would pick up that task.

As an example, we tried to tackle finances together for the first year or so- we had separate accounts, we took turns looking at bills, budgets, etc, and ultimately it was extremely frustrating for us.  We discovered that we were both feeling unsatisfied and frankly, angry when we would "have our finances talk."  I discovered that, like driving, even though I'm not the best at being in the driver seat, I'm MUCH WORSE at being in the passenger seat!

In contrast to this, when it comes to academia and pursuing a "real career" Julie is currently in the driver's seat and I love sitting beside her and watching her go.  Sometimes people ask me if it was hard to abandon my job and friends in Sacramento just so Julie could go to school at Duke.  "Not really."  She is so alive when she is learning- how could anyone love their spouse and not encourage them to do what they live for?

To wrap up, I guess when I hear couples ask the question, "What should a man's role be in the relationship" I think they have missed the point of marriage.  Your role, man, should be the result of loving your spouse, not the framework for how to love your spouse.  Loving her uncontrollably and listening to everything she says and doesn't say might leave you as the breadwinner, the stay-at-home dad, the cook, the cleaner, or the candlestick maker.  (Anyone ever come across an actual candlestick maker?)

Mark Driscoll can take a hike.  ;)