Yes, I am an a**hole

I've been under a bit of stress lately.  I got hired by a company that gave me very unspecific direction about "blending in" but also "helping to maximize the store" and "winning the hearts" of the staff.  So I've been doing my best to be the perfect employee at this tiny little cafe.  Problem is, it worked, and now, less than a month later, they want to promote me to be the manager at the cafe on Duke's campus.  I'm freaking out.  Inside.

[Side note: The other day I was trying to find Walmart to take back some sh*tty  piece of junk I bought there and I got lost.  And when I get lost, I. GET. LOST.  I was so lost that at one point I had to switch which side of the road I was driving on.  Hyuck. Hyuck.  But seriously, I was lost for about an hour and a half, I went through 6 different cities, and when I finally came back to civilization, I was so frustrated and mad and I just tried to bottle it, but it all came out the next day when I was supposed to meet Julie for *ahem* chapel.]

Julie told me to meet her at the chapel at 11 am.  Easy enough, right?  Wrong.  I get to Duke at 10:50 and can't find a place to park, so I call Julie.  She doesn't answer.  I drive all the way around the school. It is now 11.  I call Julie again, no answer.  Still can't find a place to park, it is now 11:15am.  She calls me, because she only just got out of class, and I'm pissed.  Everything from my expedition to Mars the day before is coming out, and I say something a**hole-like, to the regards of "YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO HAVE YOUR PHONE ON.  You disappoint me."  We have a number of miscommunications from here on out, and we get so mad that we don't go to chapel after all.  I would hate to have brought all that negative energy into such a place of peace!

I realized, after about 20 min of self-righteous anger directed at my poor wife (who just wanted to go to chapel with me) that I was completely in the wrong and I was just having a really hard time expressing my frustration at my terrible sense of direction and all of the stress of potentially being a manager had been building up-- and I decided I needed to get her some flowers and QUICK.

It's hard work discovering you're an asshole (sorry, I ran out of **s).  It's much easier to just think that you are always thinking of everyone else's best interests and that you are always good and kind and generous.  But now that I know that when it comes down to it, I still only think of myself- my need to vent and be angry at someone that has nothing to do with why I'm angry--  it's kind of pathetic.  Humbling.  The man I want to be would never have snapped like that. The man I want to be would have felt the boiling frustration early on- would have called it out for what it was, take a deep breath, and then speak to my wife in loving tones.  Sigh.

Thanks for hearing my confession.

Love,
Tim