I talked with Julie tonight about our family. Her side, my side... the changes that have been taking place. The struggles. The small victories. The pain. I realized something that's hard for me to say.
But before I say it, I think you should know something about me.
I HATE being put in a box. I don't care if you label me a "doofus" or a "genius"... I just don't want the label or the stigma attached to it. I'm ME, okay, and so sometimes I'll be a little of this and sometimes a little of that. Life is tough enough as it is without someone I love trying to tell ME how I am. Only the good Lord knows me, and I'm pretty sure he's still working on me and shaping me into something better. The last thing I need is someone I love and respect going, "Gee, Tim, you are such a _____," and now instead of growing I'm focused on whether or not I'm _______ing. Thanks a lot.
That being said and understood, here is my realization.
A lot of people are going through sh*t right now. I mean, deep sh*t. So much sh*t that I'll include TWO asterisks the next time I write sh**. And often their world is REELING. They are giving all that they have to the people around them, that the last thing they need is to try and keep track of the latest development in the life of Tim. In fact, although they may say, "Tim, tell me what's going on in your life," they're probably thinking, "I don't have an ounce of strength to give sympathy or praise to you." They WANT to be able to be the big brother or sister or uncle or whatever to me, but they can't. Plain and simple. They're having trouble just being themselves, to themselves.
So, this is what I say:
"I, Tim Morris, can be predictable."
I can just be "good ol' Tim."
I can make you laugh.
I can be the "funny man."
I can be playful, aloof, and a bit ordinary. Sometimes that helps.
This is not who I believe I am, at the core, but dammit, if your soul just needs a slice of dependability, I will serve you up a dish of "dependable Tim" that you won't recover from for years (I can be pretty wild and funny).
So sit back, family-- stop feeling obligated that you need to obey your own roles within the family. I'll take over for awhile.
All I ask is that in this time, you be true to yourselves. Let yourselves really listen to your heart. Let yourselves embrace your own lightness and darkness in a world of confusion. You have no role to play for me. Be whoever the heck you need to be. I know how horrible it can feel to be out of control. I know you feel like you don't have any say in your own damn universe-- just allow yourself to admit it.
Admit it.
God doesn't laugh at that. God doesn't mock us for being shocked that our world is out of our control. He knows that we feel that it should. To some extent, it WILL, one day.
But for now, it's gonna suck a little bit.
But Tim will be here. However you need him.
I'm not all THAT attached to my "un-label-ability."
