Sunday, November 20, 2016

How can you not see yourself?

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I read a parable once that told the story of three daughters who lived with their very poor father and mother out in the woods.  They were happy and loved each other very much, despite their poverty.

Then, one year, when father came back from the market, he presented the family with a gift. He had saved all year long to buy something the whole family could enjoy: a mirror.  The girls all squealed with delight and hugged their father for giving them such a wonderful present. They hung it right in the middle of the living room so they could all take turns gazing upon it.

The original story then went on to say that the girls suddenly became aware of their imperfections (pimples, big teeth, overweight, underweight, etc) and turn into mean, hateful people.  Moral: vanity ruins your life.  Good.

I would like to add a fourth child to the family and add my own chapter to this fairytale.  Here it goes:

"After his three sisters had all had a turn at the lovely new mirror, little Donald decided to have a look.  He liked what he saw.  In fact, he loved it so much that he couldn't turn away.  His hair looked like a golden mane of a wild stallion.  His hands were large and powerful.  His mouth was fierce and defined. His tan was natural and fashionable.  Little Donald smiled proudly at himself.

While his three sisters couldn't stop worrying about each of their flaws, Donald was so reassured by his reflection that he took to standing taller and going out more.  He started speaking louder and bolder.  He started pointing out other people's flaws because he found that each time he did his own reflection became prettier and prettier to him.  When he heard whisperings in the street, he told himself that they were simply jealous of how great he looked.  When he saw anyone who looked differently than he did- he sneered at them and wished they would leave his beautiful land that he just decided was beautiful and belonged to him now.

With the power of the mirror, Little Donald began to spread his ideals all around him, actually making other people think that maybe they didn't see properly.  Even though he appeared to them as a doofus with terrible hair, small hands, and a weird tan, he had so much confidence and influence that they just assumed they were in the wrong.

It didn't take long before Donald was voted in as Mayor of the town.  He put mirrors all over his mansion, and ordered that anyone that didn't look like him should be banished.  Thousands of families of various ethnicities were kicked out of that fair town, or sent into hiding.

One day, after a few years, Donald received an anonymous gift.  It was a wrapped in a mysterious paper.  He could barely contain his excitement.  The tag on the gift said, "Dear Donald- I have allowed this to go on for too long.  I am sorry I have deceived you."

"Who sent this?!" shouted Donald.  The back of the tag said, "Friendly Godmother, with good intentions but questionable morals." Suddenly, Donald got very nervous.  He ripped open the packaging and a poof of magic dust filled the air.  Donald sneezed several times and rubbed his eyes.  When he finally recovered, he looked over at one of his hundred mirrors and was horrified at what he saw.

Who was this ugly beast of a human staring back at him?  His hair looked awful!  His mouth looked like a little butthole!  His hands were so tiny!  His tan was... atrocious!  Who let this hideous human in here?!

Donald shouted, "Guards! Come quickly and kill this offensively ugly individual!"

The guards rushed in and were confused.  All they saw was the same ugly Donald they always saw.

"Where is he, my lord?" one guard asked.

"He's there, right there!  I'm staring straight at him!" screamed Donald, pointing at his reflection.  "I ORDER YOU to kill him right NOW!"

The guards shrugged and stabbed Donald through the face and body with their spears.

Thus ended his tyranny.  People of color were allowed to return to the town, but most didn't want to anymore.

Moral of my story: Sometimes an ugly individual becomes president of the United States and you wish that guards would just stab him with a bunch of spears before he destroys everything that you hold dear.




Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Birthday Blasphemies


I'm happy to report that I turned another year older today. Despite good reasoning and gravity I remain alive.

And I'm in Hawai'i, with my kickass wife of 7 years.

Some might call that "Winning."  I might have to agree with them- it feels kind of incredible.  I mean, I feel older and a bit more crotchety and cynical (was that possible?) but damn.  I mean, damn.  There's a palm tree right outside our window- we are exactly 1 block from the North Shore- we eat fresh fruit everyday and pina coladas at night. We snorkeled yesterday and saw some of the most beautiful fish I have ever seen.  We were watching an OLD 'Friends' rerun, just as our dear friends Becca and Chris stopped by with their kid, Reeves.  We had a great time catching up and talking about the crazy present and future. Like Phoebe's hair.  Change is inevitable.


I am trying to avoid the obvious analogy to my life here. I mean, it's true that "Life is like a Pina Colada- the joy does not come in the morning."  or "Life is like a Pina Colada- you think it's gunna be awesome and then it IS awesome, and then you regret all of your decisions." or "Life is like a Pina Colada- WHY are you still drinking Pina Coladas?"

But why go with the conventional wisdom on this here 29th, no, 30th, uh... shit. 31st? day of my life.

Things I feel proud about:

  1. Not being dead
  2. Having a generally positive disposition of life
  3. Being a pretty decent world traveler despite not having much money
  4. Not having much money
  5. Keeping our two spunky dogs alive for 7 years despite their best attempts at trying to off themselves
  6. Running my own small business
  7. Tutoring little monsters in reading and math
  8. Reading the entire Lord of the Rings series. (yes it took me multiple years and I will use it under my list of accomplishments for multiple birthdays)
  9. Having a small handful of lifelong friends
  10. My dad. He made a humongous life change this year and I have been able to witness the joy and the pain of that
  11. My wife. Everything she does just freaks me out.  She's that awesome.  I am SHOCKED, daily, with how obscenely lucky I am. Right now she is sitting beside me, drinking tea, playing a dumb game on her phone and she is being so awesome. Her hair is crazy beach tangled cool, her eyes are a little squinty cuz she just woke up, and she's wearing the most hideous pair of pants I have ever seen.  Man, I am so in love. Her brain is great- tons of super rad thoughts in there.  Her emotions are on fleek- passionate, adventurous, and not too concerned with whether or not I used "fleek" correctly. Her body is --- hey Nosey! Mind your own damn business! But seriously sexy though. I know for a fact that I couldn't possibly recommend my life to anyone without her being in it.  Sometimes I wonder what it would be like. The closest I get is imagining "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" turning into "Bill and a Kinda Cool Thing That Happened."  Totally bogus.
  12. My ability to number lists in order of unimportance and obscurity. Google is trying desperately to warn me that "unimportance" is not a word.  But it's my birthday, dammit!
Thank you for taking this time to read this.  Now here is a real photo of me at Hawaii.  You've earned it.




Sunday, March 8, 2015

Thoughts

Today was exhausting.  But the good kind.  The kind that when you finally get to sit down and take in all that happened, you feel satisfaction, not desperation.

I've done desperation.

It wasn't too long ago. I remember vividly looking at myself and my friends, and God and the church and just being so desperate for all of them to be different than they were.  I was crying out all the time (whining all the time)- just so unsure of who I was.  I don't mean this in disrespect to those who are currently in that sort of state.  I just mean to put the two perspectives side by side for a second.

There was a song that I loved to sing when I was a worship leader.  The bridge goes:

"You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything
Everything"

And as much as I loved to sing this at the top of my lungs I realize now that I wasn't actually singing this song to God.  I was singing this song to my FEELING of God.

I wanted to FEEL God more than anything
I wanted to NEED God in the way that I hoped he would just fix everything

And in a way, to be fair, God does.  Just not at all in the way that I thought.

God does not desire desperation.  A contrite heart, perhaps.  Humility, yes. But an intentional desperation?  Yawn.  What can be gained by it?  It's an artificial undersstanding of your situation. It's like when crazy ass football fans work themselves up about a big game- convinced that their voice screaming and jumping in the stands will help "their" team beat the opponent.

REAL TALK. You don't care about the team.  YOU HAVE BEEN TOLD TO CARE ABOUT THE TEAM.  MILLIONS of MILLIONS of DOLLARS have been spent to make sure that you care about the team.  Your brain, your precious brain, has been DUPED.  Stop and think it through.  You can't, can you?  You have to just keep watching and rooting and screaming.  And you don't know why.

YOU SHOULD STOP CARING ABOUT THE TEAM. BECAUSE IT DOESN'T MATTER.  And you are supporting a very abusive, destructive sport that capitalizes on your duped-ness.

Boy if I didn't already have trouble making friends with guys...

SIGH.

I'm writing today mostly because I haven't written in a long time and this was the first thing that popped into my head.

I hope you will forgive me.  And then vow to stop watching so much football.